Today is significant, seven years ago around 9:30am I was in emerg for suspected Type One Diabetes (T1D). I remember being incredibly terrified as all these tests were preformed on me, I had my first IV that day, not fun at all.
My blood glucose (BG) was around 26 mmol/L, (Normal BG ~5.6, my recommended range 4 – 8). Around 5x what BG should normally be, I had all the classic symptoms and I was incredibly skinny.
At that time I was in my first year of middle school, and I had just lost my grandfather. I was like a deer in headlights, frozen by a metal-cold fear and unable to process how quickly everything got turned upside down.
Tomorrow, I start my second semester of university, and in the evening I start my first shift as a Pool In-Charge. Furthermore, with the New Year comes a fresh perspective. Now I am focused on my creative side, I want to produce material that has an impact on myself or others. I also have met wonderful people throughout my journey, who have and continue to support me in the ways I need it the most.
If you were to go back and tell that terrified me where I would be, I would not believe it. Everything seemed so impossible back then, I heard only whispers of the mountains I had to summit, not to mention the distant unforeseen mountains. I was terrified, but I keep persevering, my Grandpa would have wanted me to.
As the years progressed, I began to develop a sort of Stoicism to life, I kept telling myself I had T1D and there was nothing I or anyone could do about it- I simply trudged along.
Then the pandemic hit, and that was an other confusing and terrifying time, compounded by more what-ifs with my diabetes. But eventually, I caught wind of Stoicism.
I watched a few YouTube videos here and there, eventually leading me to purchase Seneca’s letters and “borrow” my Dad’s copy of Marcus Aurelius’ meditations. This was around the summer of 2022.
I found the books incredibly confusing to read, especially the ideas around identifying and accepting what is actually in our control. I was so lost in the fog of a mountain, I couldn’t tell where I ended and the fog began. In a “Letter to a Future You” I was prompted to write in a chemistry class, I wished myself well on “Understanding more Stoicism”.
Fast forward an other two years, to the present. Now I am comfortable with saying I do understand more about what is within my control, how I choose to hold myself and respond to situations.
I had no say in whenever or not I got T1D, there’s no one in my family with it, and I was not born with it. But here I am, sometimes I like to joke that I won the lottery, but the wrong kind of course!
I had no say whether or not I have T1D, however, I do have a powerful choice in how I chose to go about it.
I have learnt to treat it like a friend, to live with it, not against it. That has made all the difference, I could very easily fight against it for the rest of my life, but I choose not to. And that choice has the power to dictate your life.
As a kid, the doctors would scare me with all the wonderful complications that can arise from diabetes that joyfully affects all systems in my body. Now I recognize that I have a choice about this, do I live in fear and anxiety or do I live presently and take advice from a poem from Rumi?
“Keep walking, though there’s no place to get to.
Don’t try to see through the distances.
That’s not for human beings. Move within,
But don’t move the way fear makes you move.”
This is tough to do, it is challenge in it’s own right to sit down with any form of suffering and be there for yourself. It is hard to sit there and admit that this chronic illness has the potential to worsen and take away over the course of my life. But in admitting this, you empower yourself to appreciate what you have in the moment, and take the right actions to sustain your health over time.
I have a good example for this, a few weeks ago I had an Eye Doctor appointment. Usually, I am not a big fan of these appointments, as I know that over time my vision will degrade as a result of T1D and aging (among other concerns). Much to my surprise, the eye doctor enthusiastically told me about how my eyesight is above normal. This shocked and elated me, I feel gifted to have this, however, it is temporarily. Now I have a sense to deeply appreciate everything again when I still can. It is solemn, but surprising freeing.
Seneca once wisely said, “It does not matter what you bear, but how you bear it.” No matter good, bad, or neutral events, you have a choice in how You respond to uncontrollable adversity.
Will you be like Altas? And carry the heavens upon your shoudlers.
Or like Sisyphus? And fight against fate for eternity.
There is no shame in this, (I have definitely been like Sisyphus). I just want you to know that you have the power to change.
I once again thank you for your support and patience in reading this post. I apologize if it feels rushed or unpolished, I want this published on my Diaversery, but some work commitments are making this difficult, yet here we are!
Thank you once again, remember it comes from within!
