OfPonderingWandering

Are our expectations beneficial? Life is defined by unpredictability and change; it is incredibly amorphous and subject to constant transformation. On the other hand, our expectations are strict and rigid. When we expect something to happen, we try to bend life into shape. And when our efforts fail, we suffer. This blog will explore the purpose, formation, problem and the ‘What/where’ of expectations. Then we will examine ways to combat our expectations, to reduce our suffering.

Purpose and Formation. 

Firstly, what is the purpose of expectations? Let’s think about our daily commute. Isn’t there a lot of random stuff that could happen?For example, running late, overcrowding, or the bus breaks down? Now, imagine if each time you commuted, you had to process all of those possibilities again and again. 

This would be incredibly tiring! This is where expectations come in; based on our previous experience of commuting, we know, or more accurately, we can infer the likelihood of events. For example, running late is much more likely than the bus breaking down! After we make predictions about the probability of events, we can then use those predictions to guide our behaviour (such as leaving five minutes early). Therefore, the purpose of expectations is to guide our behaviour, which we learn through previous experiences. Yet, the useful purpose comes with a troublesome problem. 

The problem 

Yet, expectations have a problem. They change how we perceive and react to the world. An interesting expectation to analyse is that of stereotypes. Oftentimes, when we stereotype people, we make judgments based on an incredibly small sample size of the actual population. We then convert these judgments into expectations when we meet people of whatever quality we stereotype. This is a problem, not only morally, but also in how our expectations affect our perception. We perceive this person, a whole human being with a rich life story, as something surface-level. While simultaneously altering how we interact (react) with them! 

Furthermore, we become emotionally attached to our expectations, making us dependent on them. If we expect to do well on a test, in and of itself, but we end up with a grade lower than what we anticipated, we become distraught. As we emotionally relied on our expectation of success, yet life had its way. 

We must learn to be careful of our expectations, for they shape how we perceive and react to the world, at the same time, stealing away our calmness through emotional dependence!

What and Where of Expectations. 

To begin letting go of our expectations, we need to understand what they are about and identify their origins. Understanding the ‘What’ of expectations is not difficult; there are two broad categories of expectations. 

World expectations refer to the expectations we have about how events will unfold in the environment, such as how we anticipate our day-to-day interactions will proceed. 

Secondly, self-expectations refer to the expectations we have about how we will act and react to the external environment. Such as, ‘I am smart so that I will do well on this test.’

What becomes difficult about our expectations is identifying where these expectations come from. Some expectations can be easily identified. For example, at my workplace, we have an elevator that frequently breaks down. Therefore, I expect it to break down at any given moment, purely based on the number of experiences I can recall where it has failed. 

However, some expectations (often those about the self) can be more demanding to understand due to the strength of emotions involved in forming the expectation, as well as the strength of expectation-dependent emotions. For example, negative self-expectations can often be traced back to someone’s childhood. Which may be incredibly hard to confront due to the numbing and repression that the mind creates, to protect us from overwhelming emotions. Despite this, regardless of the strength of our expectations, we can begin to challenge them by adopting reality-based approaches. 

Reality-Based Approach. 

Reality-based approaches are incredibly transformative when we want to confront strong emotions associated with our expectations. Reality-based approaches focus on ‘What is (present)’, teaching us to examine the objective reality (the facts of what is happening) of a situation. A fun one to practice is the alien approach. We pretend to be an alien observing the situations we face, from a third-person perspective. The alien can only see the objective reality of a problem: ‘I am running late.’ And none of the intense emotions associated with the subjective reality (Our interpretation of objective reality) of the situation (sidenote: these emotions are valid). 

To further illustrate this point, I would like to draw on a story from Buddhism, known as ‘The Second Arrow.’

 Imagine you are walking through a forest, and an arrow strikes you. The first arrow is an actual objective event that causes you pain and suffering. Yet, there is a second arrow that you are struck by. The second arrow brings you even more suffering, to the subjective tune of, ‘why me, why me.’ (Not the exact story.) 

This story, along with the alien observer, illustrates the interplay between an objective event (lateness) and our attached subjective perception, ‘why me.’ As we learn to shift towards reality-based approaches, we create cognitive distance between the object event and the subject interpretation of the event. It is within this space that we find freedom from our expectations. 

In conclusion, expectations are guidebooks for our behaviour, which are based on our previous experiences. Expectations shape how we perceive and react to reality, and are often deeply intertwined with our emotions. Yet, through understanding the ‘What’ and ‘Where’ of our expectations, we can begin to challenge them through both awareness and reality-based approaches. Our ultimate goal of challenging expectations is to create a space of awareness, of being with what is present, this brings peace and contentment. 

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