OfPonderingWandering

Reframe, reframe, reframe. 

In the last blog we explored how discomfort can be a catalyst for change. Yet so often, we still remain caged in comfort. In this blog, we will go over steps towards shifting our attitude towards choosing discomfort over comfort.

Our first steps usually include self-awareness, and this blog is no different. For this exercise, we must first begin to analyze the various degrees of discomfort we feel in certain situations. For example, speaking in front of 30 people is a much different feeling of discomfort than that terrible minute it takes for the a/c to turn on while driving during the summer. 

Discomfort falls into broad categories: cognitive and physical discomfort. Physical discomfort comes from things like exercise, bad posture, and yoga. While interesting, today we will focus on cognitive discomfort- the kind that reshapes our inner world. 

If we ever want to grow as human beings, then we must begin to seek cognitive discomfort. Or more accurately, new ‘mental’ terrain. Throughout our lives, we have been locked into certain mindsets/patterns that are harmful and/or maladaptive. For example, look at how we give and receive love! Many of us put up internal barriers that prevent us from experiencing true love. Then what should we do? Break free of it! 

To do this, we need to seek out discomfort. Yet this is hard, why? 

What is discomfort?

At its core, discomfort is linked to our fear/hesitancy towards uncertainty. In an evolutionary lens, this makes perfect sense. New territory and experiences must be ‘coded’ in some way that promotes caution and fear within us- so we don’t become lion food! Yet, we must still be curious about uncertainty, as it may be beneficial to our survival. 

In her book, 101 Essays to Change the Way You Think, Brianna Wiest brilliantly sums this up, ‘Fear is an interest.’ New experiences hook us- sometimes pulling us towards growth and sometimes sending us fleeing back to comfort. Regardless, we stay interested. But for some, especially those living with trauma, fear doesn’t feel like interest- it feels life-threatening. 

For those with trauma, maladaptive views of self or the world, combined with uncertainty, activate defense mechanisms. Of which, a notable defense mechanism is the avoidance of new experiences. 

For example, some people with trauma avoid true intimacy through bonding with partners who unconsciously recreate their childhood traumas. Why? Because this is familiar to them. 

Whereas, new relationships feel wrapped in uncertainty, ‘If my parents harmed me this much, how much harm can a stranger do?’ Or others may dismiss new experiences as ‘not worth it’ simply because their deeply ingrained view of love cannot comprehend it.

Worst of all, avoiding new experiences traps people with trauma in outdated ways of thinking. Like a computer we need to ‘connect to the internet’- new experiences and interactions – to update ourselves and heal. 

Now, this is a lot of information, which I hope you get the chance to soak in. Yet, there is something simple I want you to practice, remember: 

Unknown experiences are just lacking data. 

Unknown experiences aren’t good or bad — they’re simply missing data. You can’t judge the taste of food without eating it, and you can’t know the value of a new experience without trying it. Even then, let go of labeling things as ‘good’ or ‘bad.’ Experiences are only comfortable or uncomfortable. And fear? Only interest.

So, what new and uncomfortable experience will you step into this week?