OfPonderingWandering

“Do you know what running the sim is?” My friend said, I was clueless. He explained, “The sim is when you meet a girl, and you envision your whole life with her.” I instantly related to him; I call it fantasy. 

In one of my previous blogs, I discussed how Hope and Fear are intertwined; we see this embodied in fantasy. There is a delusional amount of hope that the object of our fantasy (FO) becomes our lover. Yet with this hope comes paralyzing fear of “what ifs”

I’ve had experiences where the fantasy becomes so ‘powerful’ that I am caught up within it, and even the act of talking to the FO is distressing, as I am actively comparing them and myself against a fantastical, rigid model that has no basis in reality. 

That experience was hell, and so is the intrusive nature of fantasy. Luckily, in this blog, we will explore ways to calm fantasy and turn it back into a useful tool. As my friend wisely said, “Running the sim isn’t all bad, it’s what you use it for.” Then, “The sim is a great way to ‘test the waters’ in a relationship before diving into the deep end.” Ironically, the very thing that strips us from the present can also be used to promote stillness and pace.

  However, before we turn fantasy into a tool (reality testing), we must start by understanding the factors that drive fantasy. First up, attachment theory. 

Attachment Style 

Attachment style is a theory behind how humans form relationships (romantic or not). Our ability to form relationships is greatly inspired by our interactions and relationships with our own caregivers in early childhood. Of which, negative experiences can manifest as certain maladaptations (insecure attachment) 

Broadly, humans fall into three styles of attachment, which each have their roots in caregiver interactions: 

Secure attachment: The child develops a positive view of themselves and the world through a reliable, safe, and comfortable bond with their caregiver. This allows the child to create healthy levels of exploration, trust, and emotional regulation. 

Insecure attachment: 

Anxious attachment: The child develops a negative view of themselves, yet a positive view of others (the world) through inconsistent or emotionally unavailable care. This leads to a fear of abandonment/rejection, need for reassurance, low self-esteem, and hypervigilance.  

Avoidant attachment: The child develops a positive view of themselves, yet a negative view of others (the world) through neglectful and emotionally distant parents. This leads to emotional distance, suppression of needs, and an over-reliance on independence. 

What’s most interesting to me is how each attachment style still fantasizes, but in a slightly different flavour. Now I will say that this blog is more written from my experiences of anxious attachment and dealing with obsessive fantasies, but I do feel like what I will say is generalizable. 

Flavours of Fantasy

Now, there are different flavors of fantasy. If we want to change how we fantasize (from a place of insecurity to security), then we should figure out what we are working with here.

Secure fantasy: This fantasy comes from ‘arising thought associations.’ Whereby objects in the environment remind you of the FO, before you carry on with your day. The fantasies are generally pleasant and do not occupy much time in your day. 

Anxious fantasy: Stemming from a fear of rejection/abandonment, you spend most of your day obsessing over the FO and scrutinizing your own actions in their presence. It can be hard to control these thoughts, as they can consume most of your day, and especially your nights. 

Avoidant fantasy: Arising from a fear of intimacy, these fantasies steal you away from intimacy with your current partner through comparison. You continually compare “what is” to a fictitious ideal romantic partner, all while denying the other person the chance to show themselves.

What all these fantasies have in common is their denial of your place within the present. In the next section, I will go over a few other “notes” on fantasies (note this does come from an investigation on anxious attachment). 

Tidbits of Fantasy. 

Perception and fantasy:

A significant part of fantasizing is how we perceive and interpret signals from the other party. Unfortunately, from the get-go, we are already biased towards specific interpretations. Simply put, anxiously attached people will interpret love as “scarce” and “uncertain,” which prompts clinginess and over-attachment. Whereas avoidantly attached people interpret love as “dangerous” and “burdensome,” this perception promotes distance and, consequently, avoidance. 

On top of these behaviours, we must keep in mind how our brains interpret signals from the other party:

Amplification: Stemming from conformation bias, our brains love to focus on what confirms or rather affirms our fantasies. For the anxiously attached person, positive signals, such as eye contact, may be exaggerated and used to feed and strengthen the fantasy. Whereas negative signals, such as distance and space, are used as a ‘counterweight’ to our fantasy, “I think they like me because they smiled at me, but I am so confused about all of the distance.” This then creates a spiraling thought loop. 

Neutral signals: One of the most challenging aspects of fantasy is the perception of neutral signals. Regardless of whether it’s a delayed response, gestures, or anything else. Fantasy loves to take the ambiguity and run with it, yet in reality, these signals have nothing to do with us. 

Coping: Another interesting aspect of fantasy is its use as a coping mechanism. For example, people with anxious attachment may use it to cope with uncertainty, whereas avoidant people use it to cope with the fear of being hurt.

Now that we understand a bit of the theory behind our fantasizing, what can we do about it? 

Reality Testing 

If fantasy were to be summed up in a phrase, it would be, “kidnapped from reality.” Fantasy is hard to control, and oh Lord- how it spirals- stealing us from the present. When this happens, reality testing can ground us. 

Reality testing is when you non-judgmentally and objectively notice what is going on in the present. Reality testing can look like this: Say you are texting someone, and they haven’t gotten back to you in a few hours. This is uncomfortable, and later drives fantastic thoughts. To ground ourselves, we can simply notice that, “they haven’t texted me back.” and “there is no evidence that this is about me.” 

This, with practice and self-compassion, enables us to return to reality from fantasy. Now, another important aspect of fantasy to keep in mind is, “Who are you actually falling for?” Is it the actual whole (good and bad) clumsy human or the perfect ‘superhero’ version of them within your head? 

Do you actually like them? 

Or do you tolerate them for the sake of the fantasy? 

Fantasy is not just a delusion. It’s a mirror showing us our deepest wounds and soft spots. Through slow and steady self-work, we can eventually learn to identify our wounds, and heal them ourselves. Insight, is the first step.