OfPonderingWandering

Is obsessive love okay? In this blog, I want to talk about my experience of limerence, which is like love amplified through obsession, hope, and fear. I want this blog to illustrate both some symptoms and theories of limerence as well as show what a year’s worth of insight practice can get you, regardless of who you are. Additionally, the next blog will dive into tips and tricks to reduce both limerence and obsessive love, from which I am sure everyone can take something away. But without further ado:  

Disclaimer: I have no certifications in the mental health or medical realm. This blog is merely intended to highlight my experience with limerence, what works for me, and to inspire others to pursue insight practices. If you are struggling, or even wish to pursue insight practices then I highly recommend you contact/do so with a licensed mental health professional.

Symptoms of Limerence

Before we get into this, it is essential to note that there is little scientific evidence behind limerence, despite its ‘popularity’ within pop psychology. 

The term ‘limerence object’ (LO) refers to the person to whom the limerence is directed. 

Intrusivity/involuntarity: One of the most defining aspects of limerence is its intrusivity and involuntary nature. Once the limerence has set upon someone, it is tough to get that person out of one’s mind. What’s more, it is even more distressing since you did not choose to obsess over this person. Even in terms of compatibility, they may not be the best fit, but here you are, still obsessing over them. 

Intrusive thoughts + fantasies: A distressing part of limerence is how we can experience runaway thoughts/fantasies that can go faster than we can comprehend or even try to stop. Sometimes, I have just met a person then suddenly my brain conjures up forty different time lines where we get married. Like come on, not only is it annoying to deal with but I would rather use that brain power for something else. 

Obsessive nature: A general theme in limerence is obsession; we can see this in action in limerence intrusivity and fantasy. Keep this in mind, as it will come back in our theory section. 

Reciprocation: The emotional and/or mental stability of the person living with limerence can be directly affected by the degree to which LO reciprocates. For example, positive reciprocation drives feelings of ‘ecstasy’ and ‘pure joy’, whereas negative reciprocation drives feelings of resentment, denial, and feelings of unworthiness. 

The fear of the unknown: I can’t remember where I heard it, but this line has always resonated with me: “Crushes are simply a lack of information.” It is this lack of information, or mystery (If you will), that drags us in. However, for the anxiously limerent, this becomes nightmare fuel due to the swaths of uncomfortable uncertainty at the start of the relationship, which begins to drive limerence. 

Transformation of Negative Emotions: Building on the last point, limerence is closely linked to maladaptive thoughts, behaviours, and beliefs, many of which manifest as various forms of negativity. Now, this negativity is dealt with in the wrong way. We end up transforming it into a limerent fantasy or into hopes. 

Somatic sensations: Another big part of limerence is its manifestations within the body. I’ve experienced the usual “anxious/panic” sensations such as increased heart rate, breathing, and trembling. Yet perhaps, the greatest sensation is this restless, yellow-hued energy that wrestles within my chest—jumping around like an uncontrolled chihuahua. 

Perception – Neutral signals: Another big part of limerence is what occurs during the perception of ‘neutral signals.’ We can consider this as “body language/language which is ambiguous in nature,” like smiles and eye contact —you get the drift. Now, these things are pretty common in day-to-day life, and we know that their meaning is hard to determine. But to the person living with limerence, these signals are distorted to feed into their fantasy and often drive insecurity. 

Pressure to impress: There’s always this all-or-nothing feeling when encountering a LO; there’s this sudden need to pull out all the stops and win them over then and there. And my mind spins, coming up with stories and lucky phone calls that will somehow do such a thing. This is a blatant cognitive distortion. 

My Why. 

Now, these are some, but not all, of the symptoms of limerence that I experience. I can go on for hours about the intricacies of limerence. As for no jokes here, I have spent at least half an hour a day for the past year analyzing my relationship with limerence. But why all of this work? 

It’s relatively simple: I want to experience love without excessive anxiety. That is to do away with the fantasizing, the trembling, the second-guessing, and the obsessions. To truly be present and attuned within a relationship is what I am working towards. 

Of course, there will be challenges, anxieties, and problems along the way; that is the nature of humanity. Yet, I want to be able to sit with those uncomfortable emotions without extrapolating them into a nightmare of my own creation. 

I am not the only one who deals with limerence or related challenges, so I started this blog as both a living proof to myself and hopefully as encouragement to others that one day, it will all work out. As the Icelanders say, “Þetta reddast.”

In the next section, we will dive into some possible theories behind limerence. I am biased here, as I have scaffolded much of my work off these theories!

Theory

Unfortunately for us, there is little empirical data behind limerence (as of now) and many scattered theories. Yet out of all of them Dr Alok Kanojia (Dr K’s) framework resonates the most with my lived experience of limerence.

The Three-Pronged Approach 

Note on the use of slight: Psychopathology exists on a spectrum. In his video, Dr K explains that people living with limerence may have more ADHD/OCD tendencies than the average person. But, this does not necessarily mean the individual can meet the criteria for diagnosis. 

ADHD and Creativity

 In the above video, Dr K posits that people who experience limerence may have slight ADHD tendencies. This is because of ADHD’s ability to enhance creativity and foster distracting thoughts, which may be a driving factor behind the power of limerent fantasies. 

My interpretation: I have not given this one as much thought as the others. But I definitely agree that enhanced creative capabilities play a role in limerence. I’ve always been a creative person, and it’s a shame to see that energy be caught up in limerence. (I really am making a whole cinematic universe out here, guys). 

OCD

Dr K explains that people living with limerence may have slight OCD tendencies. This is due to the extremely obsessive nature of limerence, which is very reminiscent of OCD. 

My interpretation: I buy into this explanation as a possible mechanism for limerence, but I say that we are dealing with possibly two different types of “OCD” here.

Pure “O” OCD is described as an OCD that contains internal obsessions and compulsions (mainly rumination) compared to what we describe as typical OCD compulsions (e.g, hand washing). This would better describe the limerent experience, as limerence is mostly experienced internally, rather than externally. 

Obsessive Compulsive Personality Disorder (OCPD)

Firstly, OCPD is different as it is a personality disorder that induces a constant need for perfection, orderliness, and control in one’s life. This is what the individual believes is appropriate and necessary for their life. At the same time, OCD is an anxiety disorder that is composed of distressing intrusive thoughts (obsessions) which the individual tries to ‘soothe’ with compulsions. 

Full disclosure, I nearly met the diagnostic criteria for OCPD back in 2023, and I have been working on it for almost 2.5 years now, so this viewpoint is quite subjective. I think that OCPD’s need for control, which stems from fear of uncertainty and the unknown, captures a core feature of limerence: Fantasizing as a coping mechanism (compulsion). 

 The object of obsession (the romantic interest) is oftentimes surrounded by uncertainty (especially when we get to know the person), and this uncertainty greatly upsets us (we will get to the attachment system soon). We then unconsciously loop on this uncertainty with fears of rejection before the conscious mind generates fantasy (compulsion) to help mediate the unconscious fear(s). 

This system, rather brilliantly, maladaptively protects the limerent individual (myself) through providing a fantastical world where all my relational needs are filled. This system creates avoidance of the uncertain, potentially rejecting the real world by allowing an easy escape into fantasy. All in all, it effectively bars the individual from intimacy and ruins a special aspect of relationships: the journey and experience of developing a relationship with someone.

Attachment Theory

Another key aspect of limerence that Dr K described is attachment wounds from caregivers. Dr K theorizes that adults who develop an anxious attachment style (e.g., from inconsistent caregiving) are likely to create limerence, and even more likely if the other conditions (OCD, ADHD) are present. 

My interpretation: I believe that, out of other factors, the anxious attachment style is the ‘Big Boss’ behind limerence. This is because of the negative self-schemas (worthlessness, unlovable), and negative world schemas (fear of rejection, feelings of love ‘scarcity’) that anxious attachment induces, which directly feed into limerence’s hunger. I will cut myself short here, though; anxious attachment and limerence are worthy of their own blog. 

Conclusion

In conclusion we have outlined limerence as an intense and obsessive ‘attachment style’ that has possible roots in ADHD, OC(P)D, and attachment style. In our next blog, we will explore methods and practices to deal with limerence and ‘runway’ fantasies. On top of this, I hope this blog has inspired you to start your own insight practice. As learning and working through things like this changes you for the better, and as Mawlana Rumi says, “Your task is not to seek love, but merely to seek and find all the barriers within yourself that you have built against it.” Perhaps healing from limence isn’t about silencing longing, but about learning to love without escaping reality.