OfPonderingWandering

  Teenagers, particularly 13-year-old boys, are being exposed to pornography at an unprecedented rate. Further propelled by societal trends (OnlyFans models promoting on social media), internet access and know-how, and lastly ‘higher-quality’ or more-so addictive porn (porn short-videos, AI, virtual reality). 

While the existence of porn is considered a moral issue on its own, with particular emphasis on abuse and malpractice within the industry, this blog is more focused on the usage of porn. And by extension, masturbation. 

Culture as a whole is divided on this issue, with vague affinities such as: The left permits porn/masturbation, but raises alarms at abuse within the industry. The right forbids porn use and masturbation, backing up said views with religious fundamentalism. These are, of course, overgeneralizations and are meant solely to provide a background picture. 

On top of this, men are facing an identity crisis due to changing societal roles. Which further divides both men and current culture over what ‘a man oughta be.’ These issues, on top of the porn/masturbation issue, have led to incredibly polarizing views on social media, which I have attempted to outline below. 

But first, a disclaimer 

Medical Advice

I am not, in any way, a doctor or a professional in the mental health field. This blog stems from my own insights into porn/masturbation, interactions with communities/individuals on this issue, and noticing connections between other philosophies. In this blog, I treat porn/masturbation like a substance-use disorder, to draw parallels with Maté’s research, but scientific consensus on this is somewhat inconclusive as of writing. 

The Genuine Individual 

I am not making any judgments about individuals who are part of the movements I discuss. These are genuine people who take responsibility into their own hands and choose to improve their lives. That is something I can respect and partially admire in these people. Additionally, these movements are, first and foremost, supportive communities where like-minded people share vulnerable parts of their stories. So, as critics of these spaces, we must be respectful of the real human beings behind the screen.

My issue is with the polarization of the individual through the ‘cultural undercurrents’ that these communities tend towards. Once again, I believe this is not due to any particular individual; the blame lies with the movement itself. Now, of course, there are bad apples, but the bad actor’s platform requires a community! Nor can we blame the individual for listening! They’re looking for self-improvement tips wherever they can find them!

In the second section of this blog, I will attempt to lay a framework for porn/masturbation use, which will give the individual the choice to decide if they want to engage in porn/masturbation or not. Rather than being pulled here and there by political ideals, one is guided by one’s own reason and emotions. Yet before this, let’s understand some of the views on social media: 

Social media ideas 

NoFap

NoFap is perhaps one of the most well-known movements we will discuss. It is a community of genuine people trying to stop their habit of porn/masturbation. In addition to this, the NoFap community.

Some of the views of NoFap are believable, they state that porn/masturbation can become addictive (we will get back to this) and can lead to adverse effects (such as the fear that porn will ruin your dating life) all of which may be true. Yet my only problem with this community is when the truth starts to get ‘stretched’ into ideas that require more faith than anything.

The most meme-able belief is that of unlocking certain ‘powers’ from not masturbating for an extended period of time. While these claims of power are clearly just jokes, some ‘powers’ are genuinely presented as achievable.  Which we will explore in the next section. 

Red Pill 

A step up in intensity from the NoFap community is the Red Pill community, which is a dedicated men-centric self-improvement community. The beliefs of Red Pill follow NoFap, but with a bit of an ‘absolutist’ twist: ‘your porn habit is holding you back from success!’ and ‘Stop masturbating and you will attract all the women.’ Unlike NoFap, these ‘powers’ are taken verbatim and are seen as a necessary step to becoming an ‘Alpha male’ or ‘successful.’

Red Pill success can be conceptualized as “Plenty of cash, plenty of women.” Within the community, there is heavy emphasis placed on this particular worldview of success where you are either at the head of the pack or ‘a failure.’ This binary in itself creates a toxic feedback loop of over-production at the cost of men’s lives (this is worthy of its own deep dive). Furthermore, a discussion on the Red Pill community would be incomplete without a mention of their rampant misogyny, which is likely driven by the ‘male identity’ crisis, further feeding into insecurities and polarizing the Red Pill Community. 

In short, the Red Pill community represents the polarized right-leaning opinion. Whereby porn/masturbation is seen as an impediment to success and masculinity. 

Moderation 

The moderate view on both porn/masturbation use is likely where most ‘non-performative’ (In the sense of they don’t need to prove anything to anyone) people fall. The moderate view is quite simple: “Don’t do it all of the time!” But determining what it means to be moderate is difficult, as it varies from person to person. It is this ambiguity that my later framework will expand upon. 

The moderate’s view on porn includes warnings about how the production of porn is nothing like the real deal (dramatization), and warns about the potential desensitization that comes with porn use. Yet, there is some porn-positivity in the sense that porn can be used as an exploration tool, and in some couples, even a bonding tool. 

In terms of masturbation, moderation is recommended once more. On top of this, sexual education as well, particularly due to increasing cases of erectile dysfunction or more so penis desensitization (unable to orgasm during penetrative sex) in the past few years; on par with rising masturbation/porn usage (Which is thought to be correlated). 

Once more, the moderate view urges ‘risk’ informed masturbation/ porn usage, with the notion of, “If you gotta do it, enjoy it.’ This view is much healthier than preexisting views, yet with the caveat of the poorly defined idea of moderation (be it days, weeks, or a month). 

Not-a-big-deal / Porn is bad. 

The last views we will cover include ‘porn is not a big deal’ and, on the other hand,’ porn is bad.’ The ‘Porn is not a big deal’ is a laissez-faire (let it be) approach to porn use. I will say there is merit in this approach, especially the Zen-like notion of ‘letting things flow/go.’

The other view, ‘Porn is bad,’ takes the opposite end of the spectrum and makes the just claim that porn is bad and should be boycotted. This claim is valid too, for the porn industry is both abusive to its performers/actors and also pushes male-centric views. Again, to tie this into the moderate view, the cases of abuse and male-centric opinions must be a part of the informed usage of porn. 

Now with all of these views in place, there is one more topic that I would like to address, that being, “Is porn addictive?”

Is Porn Addictive? 

To the biologist, reproduction is the sole goal of ‘living things.’ Hence our entire bodily system has evolved to fulfill this goal both mentally and physically. In the mental space, we have evolved reward pathways to guide us and reward us for reproduction. Hence, orgasms are heavily rewarded by our ‘system.’

Porn/Masturbation (moreso the former) can be seen as a ‘shortcut’ to these reward pathways, which circumvents the need for another party, increasing accessibility to this reward system.

I am unsure about the specifics about the biology behind porn-use, but from what I have heard (from trusted sources such as Dr Kanojia) porn can alter our brain’s reward circuitry through ‘overloading’ the system. Yet, despite this, excessive porn use is rarely regarded as an addiction, and is awaiting further research and specification within the broader ‘health care’ system. 

The biological (addiction) based view is important, as we are dealing with quantitative changes to our brain. Despite this, the biological view can miss out on the individual’s experience of ‘addiction’ and what caused them to develop the addiction in the first place. 

The Why

I want to open this section up with the Rat Park experiments. In this experiment, rats were initially placed within a bleak and empty cage with two water bottles, the blue one with just water, and the red one laced with heroin. Suffice to say, the rats preferred the red water bottle. 

In the latter half of the experiment, the rats were placed in a ‘rat park’ with lots of other rats, toys, and structures to explore. Later, when the rats were presented with the red and blue water bottles, they were less likely to choose the red one. Why? 

Because their needs were being met. 

What we need to do both as individuals and as society is to view addiction or substance dependence not as a choice or as villainy, but as Dr. Gabor Maté puts it, ‘[a] normal trauma response.’ Perhaps one of the most potent examples of this comes from Maté’s work in the Downtown East Side of Vancouver, where Maté asked the question of “Why the pain?” instead of “Why the addiction?” What I think best sums up his work is this quote from a 27-year-old sex worker: “The first time I did heroin, it felt like a warm hug.” 

Substance dependence is not addictive because of the substance itself. It is addictive because it fills the gap of our deepest wounds/needs. I do not believe that anyone willingly chooses to be addicted, but gets caught up in addiction because it takes away their pain.

Then our effort should become this: “Understand the need, fulfill the need (in a healthy way), regain independence.” 

If addiction is less about the substance and more about the ‘why.’ Then the best way to stop substance abuse is to understand the ‘why’ not just the ‘what.’ 

What to build upon 

My motivation to provide a framework for porn/masturbation use comes from the inherent lack of subjectivity in the matter, and the meaningless angst I fear the polarity causes young men who are first exposed to porn. On either side of the argument, we see rapid polarization based on absolutisms (if you use porn, you are a loser). Several hidden agendas, be that related to a political view, misogyny, religious fundamentalism, and , personal financial gain. 

I believe that the absolutist view propagated by these views does not truly encapsulate the nuance of human behavior, and most importantly, the surrounding context of porn use. Take these three examples: 

A: “After a tough divorce, John starts using porn”

B: “Terry recently discovered that he is gay, and wants to use porn as an exploratory tool.” 

C: “Mary is feeling particularly horny one day and decides to masturbate.”

My point is this: these people and their surrounding situations cannot be fairly summarized by a binary system of right and wrong, as these systems miss the important context that eventually leads our mind to think of watching porn or masturbating. What is needed is a framework that understands the sensitive, subjective context. 

In addition to this, the new framework must map Maté’s substance dependence research onto porn/masturbation use to further understand the subjective ‘appeal’ of using porn. Indeed, John’s usage of porn is quite different from Mary’s when we start to consider the emotional needs of the person.

Sexual Needs

Another piece of the puzzle lies in the fact that sexual expression is one of the most primitive and driven needs that a human can have; and meeting these needs results in a dopamine hit like no other (our entire body and mind is ‘built’ for sexual reproduction). I feel like in our culture, the sexual need is rarely if hardly ever talked about, despite its unconscious strength. To further stress the importance of fulfilling our sexual need, studies show that usage of porn (in societies) is correlated with a decrease in sexual violence (an important nuance to highlight).

All of this leads me to develop the framework of Affective Utilitarianism, which aims to steer the conversation from broad, ambiguous morals to subjective experience and emotional needs. 

Affective Utilitarianism 

We can think of Affective Utilitarianism as the ‘emotional use’ of porn/masturbation. Through bringing our emotions into the forefront, as well as information regarding traumas, I hope to construct a framework that can ascribe a value judgment to porn/masturbation use, as either right or wrong, depending on the underlying emotions at play. 

Affective Utilitarianism is founded on the central “Aristotelian” assumption that the purpose of each human life is self-actualization. Yet, ‘complete’ self-actualization is relative and independent of each human being while depending on their particular circumstances and upbringing (e.g., John quitting porn is a much bigger accomplishment than Terry quitting porn).

It is through Deliberate Choice (voluntary and ‘thought-out’ actions) that one can advance towards one’s self-actualization, which the individual (and individual alone) is responsible for reaching. To ground this, one did not choose the trauma which led them to develop ‘porn dependence’, but one is still responsible for doing something about this (working towards self-actualization). 

It is through the avenues of responsibility and deliberate choice that one can adequately judge if masturbation/porn is the right thing to do (further the end of self-actualization) relative to the present circumstances they find themselves in; we are only accountable to ourselves. 

To even begin using Affective Utilitarianism, we must understand ourselves and develop an insight practice. 

Knowing the Self.  

According to Aristotle, we can only ever be held truly responsible for our actions if we understand the why and the end of the action. It is through this acclimation to knowledge that we can correctly identify the actions that will lead us towards self-actualization. 

In terms of substance dependence, this means understanding, confronting, and acknowledging our deepest pains. As you see, substance dependence develops as a way to numb difficult emotions, blocking our ability to feel and properly process them. 

We must understand that this is ‘emotion-focused’ coping, where the ‘diffuse and background’ negative feelings from our traumas are repeatedly ‘swapped’ for the pleasures of orgasms. What is crucial here is ‘swapped’: this transaction is not permanent; the negative feelings will arise again, and we run the risk of being stuck in a looping emotional roller coaster if we do not do something. 

What we must do is begin to unravel the layers of the self. This topic is worthy of a blog series in itself, yet I will start to paint a comprehensive picture. With substance dependence, there is likely some need that was not adequately met at some point in your life. 

This unmet need is painful and may have led to negative schemas (ways of thinking) about the world and/or the self, which only amplifies the original pain. What makes things worse is that there are things in life that (unconsciously or not) remind you of the original unmet need and trigger negative emotional flare-ups.

These flare-ups can be quite intense, and we often do not have the proper skills to deal with them. Our brain, sensing distress, then turns to numbing substances to protect us from negativity, allowing us to go on.

But what if there is a way to prevent this loop? To develop the skills to process the pain before turning to numbing substances? Affective Utilitarianism is one such tool. 

Affective Utilitarianism in use.

One big drawback to this framework is that developing the necessary insight to apply Affective Utilitarianism is difficult, requiring time, awareness, hard work, and even therapy. Assuming that you have reached this stage, this is what Affective Utilitarianism looks like in action. 

Let’s say you feel the need to use porn. What do you do? 

“Between stimulus and response, there is a space. In that space is our power to choose our response. In our response lies our growth and our freedom.” – Viktor Frankl.

First, you must pause and take stock of your situation as it really is (emotions, environment, time) and then ask yourself two simple questions:

What am I seeking right now?

Is it a quick escape? 

A need for pleasure? 

Or a genuine want for connection? 

Does this act set up the ‘Right Precedent’ for who I want to become? 

What kind of habits do you want to build? 

How do you want to deal with your emotions? 

How do you want to express your energy?

After answering these questions, we allow ourselves to act, not from a place of anxiety or rashness, but from a place of stillness and self-honesty. In this next section, we will explore some techniques to help you refrain from porn/masturbation. 

Tips and Tricks for Quitting. 

Quitting porn is incredibly difficult, as our entire biological system is hardwired for rewarding sex. But, it is possible, and this journey (if it fits you) will define your life (this section is written for those who want to stop porn/masturbation use).

On Relapse 

The unfortunate reality of substance-use disorders is that they do not just ‘go away’. They stick with you; this means we must learn to live with them. As we know it, life has many ups and downs, and particularly stressful periods may trigger that old survival mechanism that invokes substance use. 

Albeit shameful and frustrating, we must realize that this is just our brain trying its best to protect us. And that we can ‘bounce back’, it is only a matter of time before we can. Ups and downs are a part of our journey!

Habit energy 

Perhaps one of the most frustrating aspects of porn/masturbation use is how often the urge to use comes up; it feels like a hallway of sludge that you have to walk through, partially because it is. 

In Buddhism, there is a concept called ‘Habit Energy’: imagine spinning a wheel in one direction for a very long time. Now, try to stop it, or even counter its spin (not an easy task). This is much like breaking the habit of porn/masturbation; there is a lot of energy we need to start directing in the other direction or elsewhere. 

Manage the Energy 

Speaking of managing your energy! Find out what works best for transmuting sexual energy into something else, be it exercise, hobbies, or creative pursuits. Find what works for you and start ‘digesting’ that energy!

Triggers 

Another key point we briefly touched on is triggers. Once we understand what causes the urge to use porn (be it environment, people, places, feelings, anything really), we can at least begin to notice when and why the urges come up, then do things (manage energy) to address the urges. 

Unfortunately, it is a fool’s errand to try to stop triggers altogether; there are some things we truly cannot control. But I would recommend changing up your environment and seeing if that helps.

Sitting with Distress

To use or not to use, there is always distress. Be it that slight tinge of uneasiness, or even shame, an important and necessary part of your journey is learning to acknowledge, appreciate, and hold space for feelings of distress. Change is not easy, yet critical. 

Urge Surfing 

Building on sitting with distress is urge surfing, the process of learning to appreciate just riding the waves of urges and distress. Feelings and thoughts are only temporary. Once we learn to notice them and not attach any ‘over-arching meaning’ (don’t lose yourself to them), we can begin to surf the waves and reach the other side. 

Understand your values 

Another important thing to consider is the relationship between your values and porn/masturbation use. Do the values that you currently have and/or want to cultivate coexist with porn/masturbation use? Or is there some tension? Teasing this out will help you both understand yourself and what lies ahead in your journey. 

With all of these tips, I wish you and your journey all the best! Let’s wrap things up.

Conclusion 

Affective Utilitarianism asks us not to judge one for the usage of porn/masturbation, nor hold it in any particular light. Instead, Affective Utilitarianism asks us to understand the holistic why behind the individual’s use of porn/masturbation, be it for joy, exploration, or emotional numbing. 

What Affective Utilitarianism seeks to provide is a framework that allows the individual to make the right choice, subject to their own journey —past, present, and future—providing them with the responsibility, insight, and know-how necessary to achieve such ends.

Affective Utilitarianism does not put someone down or belittle them for substance use; rather, it uplifts and empowers them. Life has deep meaning, and we (the individual) must be the ones to actualize it; we are responsible for making the choices that lead to our freedom. May Affective Utilitarianism serve you well, if you so choose to use it. 

Author’s note.

This essay is easily one of my proudest works yet, as it showcases what I want to give back to this world: insightful tools to shape lives. And additionally, it is probably (for better or for reading difficulty worse) my densest and broadest work.

Yet, Affective Utilitarianism needs more time to mature.  Right now it’s a product of my 1 week or so blog schedule and must be balanced with work, school, friends, and diabetes. But I would say, it’s pretty damn good for what it is, and is testament to the two years of work I’ve done to try to wean off a five year long porn addiction. 

Moving forward, I would like to further flush out the ‘sexual need’, ‘biological’, and  ‘background factors’ (male identity and meaning crisis) as I feel like these are important to the environment of understanding we need to change our lives.

Additionally, I want to further expand on the Aristotelian/Stoic method to dealing with porn addiction, as I feel like the emphasis on control is a necessary perspective, perhaps even the idea of surrender would be interesting (in regards to the journey of abstaining)

As well as further teasing out the difference between (biological) addiction, psychological dependence (new term), moderate view, exploratory view, abstinence, and transitions between those zones. Although if anything, my intuition tells me that this is more of a subjective qualitative experience that can only be evaluated after the urge-feeling passes. 

And shame, a friend once said that porn addiction is probably the most ‘common’ addiction, yet the least talked about, purely because of the shame and guilt associated with it. 

Regardless of my rambling, I hope this essay has sparked conversation within yourself and with others. As they say, Do the right thing.