OfPonderingWandering

In this blog, I want to discuss ‘Spiritual Meaning Making’, the use of spiritual thinking/practice to make sense of life experiences. I want to stress that I am not advocating for the sole use of the ‘spiritual lens’ but rather that it should be a ‘tool in the toolbelt.’ The specific usage of which is reserved for ‘complex’ or ‘nuanced’ situations where analytical systems may fail or become absurd (meaningless and depressing). Moreover, this blog should not be seen as pushing rhetoric on anyone; using this lens is your choice. Rather, spirituality, as I see it, is a way to live your life. 

Background 

Before we start this blog, I want to give some context behind my motivation. Recently, on a drive with some friends, I got to listen in on a discussion about spirituality and the existence of a higher power. I agree with my friend on the spiritual side. Still, at the same time, I can recognize my analytical friend’s position and agree with the value of analysis (a necessary tool for self-actualization). In my own life, I’ve been on a ‘spiritual journey’ for the past two years, which has included blending both logical and spiritual systems, all in the name of meaning-making, so I thought I would share this. 

A quick disclaimer, though, this is drawn from my own experience, so I am indeed biased towards the existence of a ‘higher power.’ In addition, I believe that belief in a higher power is a necessary condition for self-actualization; we will discuss this in due time. 

The First Lesson

Starting in March 2020, I suffered greatly from uncertainty; the fear of it ruled my life. My fear of uncertainty was so extreme that I would do everything in my power to make things sure. My schedule, my friends, and my life. It would be so rigid that I remember such pure distress if I were in bed by 11:07 pm instead of 11:00 pm- I was not healthy. 

Throughout this insane period of my life, I would study Stoicism, and slowly I learnt the logical system of The Dichotomy of Control, which is essentially. ‘You can only truly control how you respond to events.’ Again, much to do with control. While this line of thinking certainly helped me cope with the pandemic, it definitely did not help with my control compulsion, which was reinforced by all of my reflections on ‘What do I control?’ Throughout this period of my life, I became a miser for control, and the domination was Stoicism. 

Then, suddenly, everything began to change in January 2024, when I started studying and practicing Sufism. Around this time, I really got into some of Mawlana Rumi’s poems and spiritual concepts. This inspired me to begin changing my ways of thinking, particularly regarding the idea of surrendering to a higher power.

Now, what began to happen is really interesting. I was still dealing with the problem of control and excessive anxiety, so I slowly began to blend Stoicism and Sufism. I ended up with a framework that was both analytical and spiritual. 

Surrendering of Control Framework

My framework centered around this ‘prayer’ I made, “I surrender to externals.” That is all. I am surprised that such a small phrase could have such a significant impact on my life. Alongside the prayer, I fleshed out the framework with the idea that “While I cannot control the ‘big’ movements within my life.” Be it death, my T1D, or any other significant events, “I can certainly control the ‘micro’ movements in my life.” What are my reactions to events?

To analogize this, I would picture myself walking down a sidewalk, with the distance and the destination (one’s purpose) predetermined and beyond our control. The way we walk down the sidewalk is not; it is within our power to crabwalk, skip, or choose one side over the other. 

Again, the effect this had on how I viewed and handled stress was incredible, and I reaped the benefits of both an analytical system (Stoicism), which helped me discriminate what I had control over, and a spiritual system (Sufism), which allowed me to integrate the Dichotomy of Control into my life. Furthermore, I want to emphasize how Sufism’s spiritual system took control away from me; it essentially became a dereflective practice, freeing me from complex problems like analysis paralysis. 

Is the Higher Power Necessary? 

When I first made my ‘Surrendering Control’ framework, I treated it much like a tool in my toolbelt- or to put it more like Frankl, another set of lenses for my glasses. I wanted to (and I still see the value in) the ability to ‘demystify’ life and cut through ‘the fog’ with analysis. I mean, look at my experience with limerence: I have had times when it’s been fed by spirituality (She’s destined to be the one) —probably one of the worst experiences in my life. It made me so anxious that I felt sick. Suffice to say, there’s a time and a place for both spirituality; one of those places is in fulfilling your purpose, but first, let’s dive into a bit of history. 

History of Disenchantment 

I am fortunate to be enrolled in a university-level philosophy class at the time of writing. In the past few weeks, we have been discussing Aristotle’s Nicomachean Ethics. Two things have really stuck with me: 

Teleological Purpose: Aristotle argues that human beings have a purpose in life. That is to self-actualize through overcoming habituation (‘maladaptive habits’; trauma responses) and deliberately choosing virtuous acts (Pragmatic levels of generosity, courage, etc). 

The Forgetting Of Teleological Purpose: What my professor really wanted to stress is that post-industrial revolution society began to move away from Spiritual/Religious thought into scientific and mathematical thought. For good reasons too, as we can better explain and model countless phenomena through scientific models, creating innovations and saving lives. 

Yet, as society advanced and became more scientifically literate, we began to move away from spiritual models of thinking. Now, before we dive into this, I am not suggesting we ‘do away’ with science and turn to religion, which has its own host of problems. Instead, I want to highlight this: 

The more we advance the scientific frontier, the less ‘mystical’ fog remains. No more are we at the mercy of Zeus during a storm, or reaping the bounty of Demeter after we harvest. Instead, we seem to be just evolved apes floating on a giant rock in the cold expanse of space, surrounded by atoms, quarks, and gravitational forces, all of which can be somewhat accurately modeled. 

No more do we need to explain phenomena through God(s), spirits, and demons. Now we have the necessary tools and knowledge base to investigate things for what they really are. Slowly, ever so slowly, since the Industrial Revolution, scientific effort has rightly been taking over the territory once left to God, but where does this leave us? 

Meaning Crisis 

Thunderstorms can be explained and modeled through a series of electrical discharges. Love is a chemical occurrence within the brain. Earth is a gigantic rock floating in the middle of a cold vacuum. You are one of billions of homosapiens who happen to be here, by circumstance alone. Models and psychological truths can explain your problems, addictions, and vices. Your successes can be reduced to hard work and opportunity. 

Perhaps I am the weak one for being unable to stomach the truth, but where is the meaning? To pull from Cognitive Science, John Searle is known for putting forward the idea that “mechanical processes alone cannot account for the ‘introduction’ of meaning” (see The Chinese Room Thought Experiment). 

Can meaning alone arise from mechanical processes? For our purposes, one can say they are the summation of several ‘historical’ causes that have built them into who they are today (let’s call this the cause-and-effect approach). Yet is this sufficient? Maybe for some, yes, but for me now (and this is my own account). 

It is well known that our present selves are affected by our experience, yet people do not both fully appreciate this fact (use insight practices to explore their past) or are consoled by it. Look at my generation in particular, Gen Z: we have the most access to knowledge that any generation has ever had. We know that the past affects the present, both in the subject of history and through ‘pop psychology’ (it is common knowledge that childhood experiences shape who we are today).

Yet does this benefit my generation in any way? No, instead it makes us addicted to our phones and other substances. It depresses us, for we see how everything is just some grand pinball machine, with us getting battered around. It doesn’t feel very sensible- because it is. The fact of the matter is that we must do something with our knowledge. 

Modelling Ourselves

A valuable application of our logical/analytical knowledge is ‘modeling’ our own thought processes. We can use the scientific method and similar methods to cultivate insight into ourselves. Through journaling and introspection, we can discover and map our triggers, behaviours, and thoughts, which can help us model how we might react under certain circumstances.

This level of insight and awareness then allows us to ‘regain’ control of situations where maladaptive behaviour would have otherwise. Yet, we need to consider the direction of this control. 

In this ‘disenchanted’ view, one could direct their self-actualization towards becoming a ‘better person’ which could be fulfilling a role obligation (family, work), serving a community, bettering humanity, discovering, or even improving upon themself (fixing bad habits). 

While this is an excellent system in itself, a spiritual and teleological approach to self-actualization is a much stronger and efficient approach. 

The Teleological Approach 

One of humanity’s greatest blunders is losing touch with the teleological approach to life, the belief — or ‘spiritual knowledge’ — that you exist to fulfill a specific purpose (end) in life. The exact definition of this differs from religion to school of thought to spiritual practice, but all can be summarized in this simple way:

You exist to fulfill a purpose.

You must self-actualize to get there.

Self-actualization requires hard work, faith, and discipline. 

Hard work to overcome obstacles to self-actualization. 

Faith to believe that everything you do is leading up to self-actualization. 

Discipline to build and maintain the habits of self-actualization. 

Once you start working and maintaining the work, you will eventually get to where you need to be.

This is a much more powerful motivating factor, specifically the faith part. Perhaps this is a post hoc fallacy, but I believe my life has meaning through the purpose I am meant to fulfil. This compelling and orienting feeling has allowed me to sit with and feel some of the deepest pains in my life, and then provided me with the strength and tools to extract meaning from them. 

All of this stems from an “everything happens for a reason” perspective- everything has a reason for being, some of which you can understand and some of which you cannot (admitting ignorance is part of the path). Furthermore, the belief that the things which hurt you in the present will someday become the things which drive you cannot be ignored. 

Perhaps I am a moron for this perspective, incapable of logic and deduction, or unable to let go of the ‘gushy’ human feeling of ‘life has a reason’ rather than face the cold realization that life is a series of stacked mechanical processes. 

Yet, I would much rather be the moron. I feel much healthier when I go around claiming that ‘everything happens for a reason’ and that reason is my self-actualization, than I do when I would’ve claimed ‘nothing happens for a reason’. The last time I did that, when I faced my T1D diagnosis, I slipped into a depression. 

Now I am losing the ability to write on this; for such topics can only be felt and much less described in the moment. Even then, such moments go beyond mere human understanding. 

General Understanding 

We may need a general understanding of what made me spiritual. It went something like this: 

A series of events happened in a particular way (these events could’ve happened any other way, yet the unfolding of events seems meaningful). 

These events, no matter good or bad, lead to who you are in the present (this is a mechanical understanding). Once again, the events could’ve happened any other way, but they didn’t.

With understanding and insight, we can begin to see how such events led to who you are today.

Through faith in teleological purpose and the pursuit of self-actualization, we can interpret these events (the spiritual view is just a lens for viewing the world) as ‘setting us up’ for self-actualization. 

I will admit this is weak, and I am not particularly proud of it. I always find talking about this stuff difficult, as, subjectively, it makes sense, but it’s hard to verbalize. Perhaps a story will do it justice. 

Spiritual Story

In the Summer of 2023, I was on the outs from a depression yet caged from expression. At that time, I was nearly eligible for an OCPD diagnosis, which stunted me in several ways. One of them was relaxing; I could barely go five minutes without a soul-crushing dread that I wasn’t being productive (therefore worthless) —not a fun time at all. On top of this, my life lacked much direction as well. I lived life reactively and did what I could to cope with the distress from OCPD and anxious attachment. I started therapy, which I am very thankful for and lucky for, yet still, it would be a long time before anything came from it. 

I worked as a swim instructor during that time, and something unique happened during one of my shifts. Midway through the session, one of my students was recently diagnosed with Type One Diabetes (at this point, I was diabetic for about six years). They were only nine years old at the time, and I felt terrible for them, as I knew and could feel the suffering that they would go through as they aged. I have a particular memory about this: as I helped them with their back floats, I felt like a parent, with a bittersweet feeling that, as the child grows, they will suffer yet, and because of that, develop into a human being. Because of this experience, I felt responsible for something, and even though I was incredibly empty, I felt like I could give something meaningful back to the world.

I did so, and I helped comfort a kid- a family in need. At the end of the session, I wished them well and went on my way. After this experience, I began volunteering within the diabetes community, and that has been a journey in itself, where I have met so many amazing people and had several great opportunities. It changed my life, and all sprouted from this one interaction. What’s more is the meaning of their name (not listed to protect privacy), which literally means “[divine] abundance.” When I figured that out, I had a revelation: all of this was meant to happen.

That revelation was a beautiful realization, yet haunted by the feeling that I could have done more for that child. Yet two years have passed, and I havehave not seenseen them. Sometimes, I would wonder, “What happened?” and I would humanly wish for something, or anything, but nothing came of it. This past year has been one of my (consciously) toughest years, and this past fall particularly sucked (with loss and transitions). I was at the end of one particularly tough week when I showed up to work- exhausted but there. The shift was busy but manageable. On my break, I decided to go for a little walk, to clear my head. I went up into the lobby of my community centre, and right there was the child I taught. 

Words fail to describe the feeling I felt; it was somewhere between pure joy and pride (for the child), amplified by the fact that the child and I happen to have the same brand of insulin pump. I talked to their mom for a bit and ended up telling her how that moment of teaching her child changed my entire life, and it truly did. Later in the night, I stopped the child because there was something I had been meaning to say (to her and to my inner child) for over two years now. It went something like this, “[name], I want you to know that whatever you set your mind, your heart, and your soul to, you will achieve it.” Mythical. 

As we all left the building, the child held the door open for me and smiled. As the cold air hit my face, it was understood:

My experiences with this student made me into who I am today, from lesser to greater. 

I helped someone in their time of need. 

They helped me in my time of need.

Everything happens for a reason. 

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