OfPonderingWandering

To My Grandmother Gillian, 

you passed this morning, around ten am. you opted to take your own life, you were in so much pain. i understand that, i just wish i got a chance to say goodbye. 

you are my grandmother– as i say this, tears prickle my eyes– not even by blood, but by spirit– by being human, and finding connection. they say family are the ones you choose, and it’s true, you choose to have interest in me-– to care for me. the tears i shed are testament to this.

i am only slowly beginning to unpack the impact your still and calming presence has had on me, you are the eye of the storm that is modern young adulthood– the stillness and the wisdom that embodies what it means to be human. 

from the little i know of your life, you were a trailblazer, from your times within the UN, to your travels in europe, to your eventual setting into my family, and to your permanent settling within my essential. 

i will carry your verse on, the kindness that you choose to show me has made me into the person i am today, and continues to model the kind of person i want to become. compassionate without limits, family to all, and human– with all to which that means– down to the marrow. 

the pain you have gone through, i can only imagine. yet the choices you have made are all too real. i, and many others, are still in disbelief at your sudden passing, it was your choice of course, i just pray that wherever you are, you are in peace. 

if i were to tell you one thing, it would be, ‘i love you’ for the impact you have had on me, for the interest you have shown in me, and for the person you choose to be. and i would cry– i am crying– for the fact that i never got the chance to tell you that. 

Gillian, i will carry your verse on, and i would like to share with you a story from today.

your transformation made the air feel cold today, the silence louder, and the sky darker. in the moments between my classes– which i would drop within an instant for just one more conversation with you– i felt a certain pause that i could not place, until my cheeks felt wet and the taste of salt hits my tongue. 

you became the background, and i will carry you on until it’s my time to go. and i pray for the opportunity to impact people as you have done. 

it was your presence that eventually led me to a discussion on ‘human flourishing’ hosted by the religion department at my school. as i sat there, embraced by you, i witness arguments over rights of education, what it means to be powerful, technology, interdependence, and coercive violence. 

as i sat with your death, i became reminded of transience, as i scanned the room– which is a student committee common– i read the glided names of hundreds of people etched onto aging panels of wood:powerful people, educated people, and human people. ranging from the 1800s up to the modern day, and i thought of you.

as the event drew to a close, i raised my hand for the closing point on the topic of human flourishing. 

this one, is dedicated to you Gillian, 

“i want everyone to look around the room,

look at the names…” 

of all the educated, powerful, and human people. 

those who thought they couldn’t- 

but they did. 

who compared themselves, 

downgraded themselves,

hated themselves,

yet,

were fortunate enough to live, 

to experience love,

pain,

sorrow, 

the silence of a windless day, 

the sun on your skin, 

the feeling of the ground on your feet, 

the return of a smile, 

the rising sun marking a new day, 

the full moon lighting up the night, 

a room full of people, 

the spark of connection, 

the shared human experience, 

tears rolling down your eyes, 

the feeling of a loved one’s presence 

touch, 

the ability to truly be.

so different are their names, 

so vast are their experiences, 

so unique is their essence, 

yet tell me, 

what is common amongst them all?

“they are all dead”

we are all food for worms lads! – keating dps

“and you will be too, 

it may be in eighty years, 

or it may be tomorrow.”

we have no say in the matter, 

“the only thing we can do is choose, 

to live, 

to let life flow through us, 

my best experiences come like this:

not from living life impulsively, 

but from surrender” 

to what is outside of my control

each and every life is different and unique, 

as Mawlana says, 

there are as many paths to God as there are souls on this earth.

and we, 

are given the choice, 

the responsibility, 

to take what we have, 

to give what we got, 

to grow from our mistakes, 

to break down our walls, 

to actualize, 

to love, 

“to LIVE.

and i know,

you know what that means.” 

in memory of you,

Gillian, 

may you find rest, 

i love you.

carpe diem