3/4/4/2025

I am done now? It is over, yet a ghost follows me still. I walked through the woods, I did this and that, I saw all and beheld all, but I am still haunted.

Can I be forgiven? for this haunting that drives those away, this internal fight that’s lasted years, surely, I am winning now, but my troop’s morale is low, but we are winning, slowly, slowly.

And this beast holds on tightly, to all aspects, my vision blurs, I cannot see, what fills other’s with loving warmth gives me hot spiky fevers. But I walk the same, towards a golden dawn.

These Thoughts, I cannot control, they are not my own, I reuse to let them be me, for I know who I am, I am not these thoughts, but nonetheless, here they come, uprooting the self and seeking validation, I am not them.

These storm clouds, I give not authority, for I am them not, I am them not, then what Am I? Does my character speak from actions and not thoughts? The outsider cannot read what is inside, we cannot comprehend the core of an onion.

I am only my actions and my reactions, that is all I am, these thoughts come in, and I invite them for tea, I am not them, I am not them, I welcome them, but I am not them, not them, not them, not them. I am my own verb, and I sit here, as the me-waters flow around me. I am of the water, I go not with the flow, but I am, like these thoughts, we collectively exist, and acknowledge. All I ask is that I ask not of them, that I close my mouth and act, rightly, and justly.

So this is my playing hand, a constant looping fight against the validity of the self, so be it, I welcome it, for it is not the thought of a brighter tomorrow that brings it forth, but the doing-bringing in the present that crafts it. My ghost exist, and I stare at it with steel-cold determination, for I am not anything but my actions, and my reactions are justly solid.

So I welcome you forth, challenge this degree of me and I will show you what I am, not these thoughts, but my actions, the long climb up the mountain of one’s own potential.

~

I will reclaim this victory, sure, I am not free, I have made mistakes, but I have gained ground, support, your names, and my names. I have fallen in this journey, but these scars are filled with gold, and they show a noble fight for one’s peace of mind. God be my witness.

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